Did you hear about the blonde that...
- Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
- Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years".
- Couldn't call 911 because there wasn't an 11 button on any phone.
- When asked what the capital of California was, answered "C".
- Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
- After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
5 Jokes That Can Be Told In Church
1. Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment and then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
2. A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup."
3. A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
4. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother", she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
5. Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."
2. A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup."
3. A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
4. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother", she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
5. Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."
Funny Quotes Pt. 2
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
The road to success is always under construction.
Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.
Your mama is so fat that when she ran away she took up all four sides of the milk carton.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.
Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
Don't follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls.
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
This morning I looked down at my unmade bed and decided that it was art in another medium and I should not destroy it.
If you can't say anything nice...come sit by us.
Know what I'm thinking? No? Neither do I. Frightening, isn't it?
Never say "OOPS!" always say "Ah, interesting!"
This isn't Burger King, you can't have it your way.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take this milk. Why do we drink *cow* milk? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em"?
Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.
Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.
- Later, peeps!
The road to success is always under construction.
Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.
Your mama is so fat that when she ran away she took up all four sides of the milk carton.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.
Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
Don't follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls.
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
This morning I looked down at my unmade bed and decided that it was art in another medium and I should not destroy it.
If you can't say anything nice...come sit by us.
Know what I'm thinking? No? Neither do I. Frightening, isn't it?
Never say "OOPS!" always say "Ah, interesting!"
This isn't Burger King, you can't have it your way.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take this milk. Why do we drink *cow* milk? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em"?
Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.
Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.
- Later, peeps!
Funny Quotes Pt. 1
How is everybody's spring break going? Well I took time out of my busy schedule of sleeping, sleeping, and sleeping some more to blog for you guys! So here are some funny sayings and quotes that will keep you occupied for a couple seconds.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? "Hold my purse."
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? "Hold my purse."
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Spring Break
Is everyone excited for spring break? Because I definitely am and I'm not going anywhere for soccer so it is amazing lol!!! Yup and idk why I am saying this but be ready for the Transformers 2 movie coming out in June along with HP6!!!
Monday, March 16, 2009
10 More Ways to Give Back to Your Friendly Local Wal-Mart
1. Start “dancing” like mad. Basically, just wave your arms and legs around like you're having some kind of massive seizure.
2. Put super sexy lingerie in old men’s carts when they turn away.
3. Spend all your money riding on those little rides for toddlers. Fit the character - if you're on a horse, then pretend that you're a cowboy, etc. And if a little kid comes over and wants to use it, start barking at them until they run away crying.
4. Crawl around on the ground and pretend that you're a cat. Meow when people walk by, rub up against their legs, etc.
5. In the food aisle, pretend that there’s a little bug and slowly move your head to the right, then swing your head to the left as if you're trying to follow it. Slowly lower your head to the ground, then start spinning around in circles and stomping like crazy. Then finally yell out, “Yes!!! I got it!!! Wow, that was the biggest cockroach I’ve ever seen, i think it was pregnant!!! Hey look, there’s another one!!!” Then repeat.
6. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying “Good girl, good Bessie.”
7. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those voices again!”
8. When you're alone, have loud conversations with your “multiple personalities”. Have an Englishman, a Southerner, a New Yorker, a Grandma, and a 5-year-old girl all at the same time and remember to use accents. They should sound something like this: “Great idea, good fellow, we shall have a jolly good time!" (English) “Look, oall I wanna do is wok at Stawbucks and git a cawfee." (New York) etc. etc.
9. TP as much of the store as possible.
10. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
2. Put super sexy lingerie in old men’s carts when they turn away.
3. Spend all your money riding on those little rides for toddlers. Fit the character - if you're on a horse, then pretend that you're a cowboy, etc. And if a little kid comes over and wants to use it, start barking at them until they run away crying.
4. Crawl around on the ground and pretend that you're a cat. Meow when people walk by, rub up against their legs, etc.
5. In the food aisle, pretend that there’s a little bug and slowly move your head to the right, then swing your head to the left as if you're trying to follow it. Slowly lower your head to the ground, then start spinning around in circles and stomping like crazy. Then finally yell out, “Yes!!! I got it!!! Wow, that was the biggest cockroach I’ve ever seen, i think it was pregnant!!! Hey look, there’s another one!!!” Then repeat.
6. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying “Good girl, good Bessie.”
7. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those voices again!”
8. When you're alone, have loud conversations with your “multiple personalities”. Have an Englishman, a Southerner, a New Yorker, a Grandma, and a 5-year-old girl all at the same time and remember to use accents. They should sound something like this: “Great idea, good fellow, we shall have a jolly good time!" (English) “Look, oall I wanna do is wok at Stawbucks and git a cawfee." (New York) etc. etc.
9. TP as much of the store as possible.
10. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Warning!!
Hey everyone...I had to stay home sick today so i thought i would just give ya an update on everything. K first is the thing that is going around and getting everyone sick is very very contagious and it sucks...last night I felt so sick i couldn't stay focused on hw and then when I went to bed at like midnight i woke up and started puking my stomach out...ya not a pretty image! So ya and then today I finshed off Hunted by P.C. and Kristin Cast...I really didn't like it at all. It wasn't very exciting but yet I couldn't put it down and **(spoiler kinda) **it only covered like 3 days and she still has that boy love triangle thing ugg and Heath is back!!!! Bye Bye!!!
Thursday, March 12, 2009
BF
Hey guys just an update Nathan and I got past the really really awkward stage in this relationship and know it is getting easier to hang! So just wanted to keep ya updated! We actually walk out of school together now so just fyi!!!! Oh and my other friend whom we will call Sam was just asked out by the one and only person whom we will call Jared!!! They make such a cute couple!! ....sigh.....
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Books!!!
Hey everyone, just wanted to let you know that Hunted by P.C. Cast and Kristin Cast came out on Tuesday!!! Go buy it.
Those Smart Japanese...
There are rumors that in Japan, they are considering replacing the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. (I highly doubt it but it's still hilarious.) Haiku poetry has strict construction rules. Each poem has only three lines and seventeen syllables: five syllables in the first line, seven in the second and five in the third. Haiku is used to communicate a timeless message often achieving a powerful insight through extreme brevity. Here are a couple we found off the 'net that are particularly amusing.
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
The website you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
So beautifully.
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
And now here is a particular haiku that I personally find extremely touching.
Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense.
Refrigerator.
New News!
Hey everyone, Howl here! Just wanted to let you know that I got a bf...his name on this blog is going to be Nathan!!! So just wanted to let you all know!!! I will tell you bout him later!!!
Saturday, March 07, 2009
Random Funny Stuff
On a Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Crap, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(And that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On the packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time? And also, whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5-year-olds off those fork lifts.)
On a Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: May cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: Keep out of children.
(Hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation...)
On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(But no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(Somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this.)
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh, go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)
Do not use while sleeping.
(Crap, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(And that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On the packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time? And also, whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5-year-olds off those fork lifts.)
On a Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: May cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: Keep out of children.
(Hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation...)
On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(But no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(Somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this.)
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh, go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)
Sunday, March 01, 2009
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