Funny Quotes Pt. 1

How is everybody's spring break going? Well I took time out of my busy schedule of sleeping, sleeping, and sleeping some more to blog for you guys! So here are some funny sayings and quotes that will keep you occupied for a couple seconds.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? "Hold my purse."

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.