Funny Quotes Pt. 2

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

The road to success is always under construction.

Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.

Your mama is so fat that when she ran away she took up all four sides of the milk carton.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.

Don't follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls.

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

This morning I looked down at my unmade bed and decided that it was art in another medium and I should not destroy it.

If you can't say anything nice...come sit by us.

Know what I'm thinking? No? Neither do I. Frightening, isn't it?

Never say "OOPS!" always say "Ah, interesting!"

This isn't Burger King, you can't have it your way.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take this milk. Why do we drink *cow* milk? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em"?

Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.

Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.

- Later, peeps!