Zane's (Sad but True) Life Story - Pt.1

After 8th grade, Zane is feeling very depressed because she will probably never see her amazing friends anymore, so she decides to have a little "fun" but after the tenth cosmo she realizes she has no designated driver (tsk tsk) so she hot wires a car and attempts to drive home (and she's 14 at the time, so you realize how drunk she was.) Inevitably, she gets into a car crash (that's what you get for not going to driving school) and winds up in a coma. For 9 years.


So when Zane wakes up, she is 23 years old. The doctors give her the medical bill, but when Zane calls her parents for money, they disown her and now Zane is alone, in debt, and still has guy problems. Sheena, on the other hand, lives in South Carolina and is currently dating the son of a sheriff and doing very well at the local college. Sheena also keeps in touch with Rawr, now a professional hacker in Australia. Sad little Zane hitchhikes to Sheena's house and once she arrives there, she starts complaining about her life. Sheena, unsympathetic after Zane severed all connections with her after 8th grade, locks her in the guest room and tells Zane to find a job and a life and to not jump out the window and kill herself.

Zane agrees to find a job and life, but when Sheena releases her, Zane runs and manages to stowaway on a boat to Australia, where she hitchhikes to Rawr's beachside condo. Rawr, the professional hacker, is irked when Zane interrupts her hack on government files. Zane begins to whine, when her arm starts beeping and she notices a bump - Rawr had implanted a GPS tracker in her arm during the coma (thanks to her amazing technological skills.) Sheena's voice suddenly comes out of nowhere - "I know you're at Rawr's condo!" (The tracker turns out to be a cell phone too.)

Zane begins to freak out and Rawr answers her own ringing phone (a modified iPhone) and talks to Sheena, who is on the other end. She tells Sheena to bring the straitjackets (which Sheena had prepared personally for Zane, name and everything.) When Sheena arrives from America, she and Rawr lock Zane in a padded cell in Rawr's condo.

Sheena and Rawr get bored with making faces at Zane through the bulletproof window and turn on the T.V. It shows a concert from Carnegie Hall with Angela Bell and her husband (Joshua Bell) playing a violin duet. Excited, professional hacker Rawr runs around her condo screaming, "We were stand partners!!!" Sheena and Rawr get Zane out of the cell and show her the T.V. and they have an alcohol-free party. Then Zane goes back in the cell.

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What will Sheena and Rawr do to Zane next? Well Zane ever get that life and job?! Will the world spontaneously combust?!?! Find out, on Zane's (Sad but True) Life Story - Pt. 2!

(Note: All characters in the story are based on actual people, under pseudonyms. If you know who Zane is, then you will find this as hilarious as we do. If you don't, then ignore this post. Thank you!)